I was extremely fortunate in having a week's vacation at the beginning of this month. I went to visit my brother who happened to be in Germany, and spent the weekend with him. I was so happy to see him, and spend time with actual human beings, and exploring new places. After the weekend I went to Vienna for 5 days. It was wonderful, I met really cool people at the hostel, I visited museums and galleries, I did activities. I spent more money than I had budgeted.... And I thought.
I have a short list of topics for my future posts, but for now let's just sprawl what's currently on my mind.
Obviously I think a lot. And it often goes in loops. I was less miserable this past week, since I was surrounded by people almost all the time. I had missed that feeling dearly. It's not so much that I need to be interacting with people all the time, I just need to have people around me. Being in a hostel, I was precipitated into a scenario where I had to interact with people. I clicked instantly with 3 fellow roommates, and we had a great time for the week. We formed a bond of all being solo travelers in a foreign land, sharing a hostel room. You know, that is a great feeling.
Now I'm back in Germany, I've barely spoken to anyone, and I've fell back into that feeling of despair, loneliness and emptiness. I've known for a while that how I feel is connected to the social interactions that I'm having. I like being at home with my parents, because even though we don't talk at every moment, they are right there and I don't feel lonely. I liked living with one of my best friend last August (even though I had several breakdowns during that period because of stress) because I'd come home and have someone to hang out with.
Here in Germany? Well, my roomies are nice, but we never really bonded. So I feel quite lonely most of the time. I try to tell myself that I can use that time to be creative, but it mostly just makes me feel drained. So I end up couch-potatoeing and watching movies and series, instead of doing things that make me feel better. Like drawing, sewing or reading.
I've also thought a great deal about you, oh you.
Not a single day passes without my thoughts wandering to you.
I think I've pushed you away earlier, thought my goal was the exact opposite.
I'm afraid to push you away again, by being too forward.
It's an endless push-n-pull inside of my head.
Should I talk to you? But what if it scares you away? I can't risk that... I couldn't handle it.
So I just sit here, sad and forlorn, hoping that you'll come back without my prompting.
Oh, how many things I would have done differently if it meant I could hold you in my arms again.
I miss you. Please come closer.
