I've had a few things on my mind lately. Not that I don't usually juggle with a thousand thoughts anyhow, but these are persistent, and I keep coming back to them. Last night, during a bout of insomnia, I sat in front of my mirror and started braiding in my fake dreads. With my laptop on a stool next to me, playing music at a low volume so as not to disturb my housemate who are usually asleep at 3 in the morning. That peaceful quiet time with myself allowed me to think more about these two things, and let me analyse them, and compare, and try to rationalize my feelings.
The first one is about my birthday. I'm turning 23 in a few days, and I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to do anything for it. I'm inclined to not do anything and spend the evening at home, but at the same time, a part of my brain tells me I should try to do something. In an ideal world, I would invite my close friends over to dinner at my place. This scenario won't work though, for two simple reasons. My kitchen is extremely unfriendly, all with being too small and not having a table... The second is that I just haven't been able to make the connections with people that I would consider close friends. Friends, yes sure. I've made a few of them, and they're all very nice and interesting. But I'm so insecure, and I'm so used to people not turning up whenever I've tried to invite not-quite-close-friends to similar events that it's causing me more anxiousness than anything else. I've invited a few of these new friends for late night pizza, let's see how that turns out.
The second is my upcoming trip to Munich and Vienna. I'm extremely lucky in the fact that my brother is currently in Germany, and that I have next week off from work, and so I'm able to travel to Munich to see him for a couple of days. I'm really looking forward to seeing him, though I'm a little disappointed that he's in Munich. I've been saying for the past few weeks that I hate Munich, and so I'm not exactly excited about going there. That feeling stems from the general feel of Munich, which I didn't like the first nor the second time I was there, and also because of something that happened last time I visited, and of which I care not to describe anymore than this vague statement. I'll be staying in a hostel there, hoping I'll meet some travelers with whom to talk. Otherwise, I might just have a couple of glasses of Wine at the hostel bar and lose myself in a book.
On Feb 2 I'll be taking the bus to Vienna. and spending a few days there. I'm actually looking forward to that leg of the trip. Some people have told me that Vienna has an eastern european feeling to it (which is why they didn't like it). I must say, I like eastern Europe. Very much so, hopefully I'll like Vienna then! I've also been told that it's a little bit bourgeois in its ways. There's only way to find out. I've reached out to the online community on couchsurfing for people to meet and things to do. So far on my agenda I have visiting the Belvedere collection of Klimt and Schiele, eating a piece of Sachertorte, going to some heavy-inclined bar/pub/establishment that serves alcohol, and possibly going to a karaoke night.
Knowing myself, I'm excited now, though on the day of I'll only want to stay in my bed, and not bother with going anywhere. I almost always feel like that. The days leading to a new situation (a trip, a party, a new class, anything that takes me out of my house to go and possibly meet new people in short) I'm stocked, and then on the day of, I don't know what happens, but all that excitement strangely scampered away and leaves me wishing I had never decided to do anything. It's this constant feeling of dragging a boulder behind me, without being able to shake off its chains that are so strongly bound to my ankles. I try to get out of my comfort zone, I know it's healthy to do so, and I almost never regret it. Conscioustly, I know I'm being silly, but I can't simply take a day off, tell that dreadful part of my brain to shove it and actually enjoy myself for once.
It seems to me that almost everything I do lately has this impending sense of doom. It seems silly that I'm so overly conscious of my thoughts and what I sense as their crushing inaccuracy concerning the 'real world'. I wonder if one day I'll be able to reconcile the two parts of my brain that keep steering me in completely opposite directions.
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