Fear as a dictator of my actions

As I mull over the infinite possibilities and variations of topics about which I could write, one that I find prominent and that I feel controls a large portion of my life: fear.

I realized this a few months ago when I was talking to new acquaintances, and somehow, the discussion steered in a particular direction, and I simply said: "One thing that I'm afraid of is to walk outside and see someone I know without recognizing them." This has happened many times, to the point that someone needs to be waving their hand about 30 cm from my face for me to notice them... There's a 99% chance that I'll be listening to music and/or somewhere far inside my mind when I'm walking outside, be it a leisurely stroll or a power walk from point A to point B, and I'm usually more or less oblivious and unaware of my general surroundings. Unbeknownst to myself, that simple sentence revealed to me the depth of my ambiguous relationship with the sentiment of being afraid. To my statement, one of the girls replied without hesitation: "Oh, but you mustn't be afraid." And her answer has stuck with me since then.

As I turned around that sentence in my mind, I realized how obstructed I am in my everyday life. I realized that the fears aren't phobias, but rather inhibitions that hold me back.

- Going to a new place: what if I get lost?
- A few hours before going to a social event where I'll have to mingle and meet new people: what if I don't find anybody to talk to? And worse, what if I do find people to talk to and they think I'm dull and unintelligent?
- After the excitement about a new opportunity has faded: why did I bother to apply? I'll get rejected and then I'll feel worse about myself.
- About doing something new by myself: Why did I think this was a good idea? I should just stay at home...

And I could name such examples for a few pages. Looking at it, I realize it all comes back around to my perceived lack of social skills. Do I actually lack social skills? No, probably not, though I must admit that I'm more comfortable as part of a group, and I don't have to do much of the talking. I'm very happy with sitting back and following the conversation, chipping in when I feel the need, but not being the centre of attention at all times.

I try to step out of my comfort zone when I can, though these nagging little voices in my head keep telling me nasty things. They're hard to ignore, and they really sap my morale. I tell myself that by being self-aware of this tendency, I can combat it more effectively, and kick my fear producing brain in the butt, like an old computer that somehow responds to the physical knocking on it's outer shell when it keeps crashing. It's probably not doing anything, but makes you feel better.