The words that I want so badly to express collide in my mind in an infinite display of fireworks. Next to that grandiose show, I am belittled and obscured. I hide somewhere in the back of my mind.
A sense of being a failure.
I suppose I can say I am unhappy with the person that I am, or that I have become. Somewhere along the way, I have lost something precious that defined me as a unique person, and no matter how much time I spend retracing my steps and inspection the ground, I can't seem to find again. I look at myself in the mirror, and see everything that I am not instead of everything that I am and can become. And my expectations of myself are beyond my own reach, and so, I am unable to feel like I am accomplishing anything at all.
Looking at the future, I can't say what I see, because I don't see anything. Or almost anything. An opaque layer of fog divulges a few paths, but where they lead is unknown to me. I am afraid to venture on any of them, and there, simply, I stand. My immediate surroundings are colourful, blue skies, white clouds, green foliage, though everything might as well be grey, because it does nothing to cheer me up.
The future should elate me with its possibilities and novelties that are yet to be discovered, but the feeling never lasts very long. I try to make myself think that I am excited about something, be it an idea, a new place to visit, or a new project to start. It's difficult to even start on any of those things. I push back, and back, and back the things that I want to start, until they start to fade and I forget the initial excitement I felt about them.
I have an extreme need to share all of these feelings, and I am unable to do so. Hence this anonymous blog on the internet that somewhat helps me to try and put my thoughts into words. It doesn't even begin to describe how I feel, but it's one less layer of gloom. I want so badly to open up to my friends, but I'm afraid that they'll get bored of my feelings of impending doom and cast me aside, until I am all alone, again.
These emotions, of course, I only feel when I am already alone. When I am surrounded by others, I forget about these sentiments, and I feel much better. My loneliness though returns always, like a faithful companion that missed me dearly and cannot wait to have all of my attention again. The need to reach out is great, but the fear is greater. I am sad, alone, and afraid of my own thoughts.
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